What is BDSM

What is BDSM?

I've had several clients either not know what this is or asking me for more information on it, so I decided to dedicate this month´s blog to a general introduction to the world of BDSM!

Many people may have heard about the term, but few people know its true nature.

You may have seen acts of it in movies or read about it (the most famous book right now being ¨50 shades of Grey¨). However, there has been a misconception about BDSM…It has been termed with negative connotations precisely by the people who don´t really know much about it.

BDSM, what's about

BDSM stands for the umbrella term Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism.

Now, hearing these words, what comes to mind? For many thoughts like ¨perversion¨, ¨it´s sick¨, ¨it´s an illness¨, ¨this is insane¨, etc.

You see, there is a lot that is unknown about this topic. Let me tell you some basic rules about BDSM, DONE RIGHT:

It is voluntary! Nobody is forced to do it.
It is an area you need to learn a lot about before you go into it.
It is CONSENTUAL! There should be 100% consent for all acts when involved in BDSM.
It stops at any moment you want it to stop. There is always a safe word, that all parties respect, and when said it all stops immediately.
It is focused on Pleasure. Pleasure can be achieved in numerous ways, and these are different for different people. Call them peculiar or fascinating, this is how it is.
There is no room for judgement in BSDM. It involves expressing your deepest desires and trusting another person(s) with them.
People are treated with care. It may sound silly if you´re picturing an image where pain is inflicted for pleasure, but it is true. There is always care in how you treat the other person.
Often, it is about being Present. Whether it´s focusing on the pain, on the touch of clothes on your skin, or on what you´re looking at, it´s being very much in tune with the present moment and taking in all the pleasure it provides you.
There is a lot of communication in BDSM! Whether it´s before or during, the ground rules are set and are very clear between all the people involved.
There are different levels you can engage in, starting from soft to hardcore.
You choose what you want. It is not an area where you go with the flow with whatever comes. Which is exactly why it is necessary to read up on this before getting involved in the world of BDSM. You have to know what´s for you and what isn´t, what attracts you and what doesn´t, what you may be willing to try and what you definitely wouldn´t.

You may be thinking now…¨Ok great, I got it. What does BDSM actually involve? ¨.

Well, remembering this is only an introduction and therefore will not go into too much detail for every act there is, nor give nowhere near as much information as you should know, let me list some of the most common forms BDSM can take:

Bondage (restraining of some sort, like tying hands, legs, mouth etc.)
Tying up (The art of ¨Shibari¨)
Dominant/Submissive Role-playing (owner-pet, kidnapper-victim, royal-commoner etc.)
Candle wax dripping on the body
Spanking, Caning, Flogging…
Inflicting pain in different ways
Softer sensation using a feather or other objects
Using handcuffs, blindfold, leather, latex etc.

BDSM is not for everyone

This is to give a general idea. Some of these ideas will scare some people or even disgust them, but it will intrigue others.

It´s important to remember that BDSM IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.

The people involved want to be involved and take great pleasure out of it. It can be a very intimate and caring experience if it´s done right. Talk about it with your partner(s) and ask for help if you need it.

I repeat, CONSENT is number one! Forcing someone into any kind of act that they don´t want will be considered rape, violence, aggression and that is illegal.

As long as there is consent, knowledge, communication, patience, trust and care to not hurt anyone or not take it too far (which is exactly why you need to ¨study¨ before getting into it and not just assume you can do all this and with anyone you want), BDSM is safe.

CONSENT – KNOWLEDGE – COMMUNICATION – PATIENCE – CARE – TRUST

It is an art of some sort. The ropes used to tie someone up are not just any ropes, they are selected very wisely and after having studied the matter, in order to not cause damage. There are no knots in ¨Shibari¨! You don´t just do any knot you know.
The wax used is not just any wax. The way you pure it on someone´s body is important.
The submissive, as much as it may seem like they have no control, they do. A lot of it. They are voluntarily in that position, and there is a relationship between the sub and the dom. If the dom goes too far, it´s over. The sub will say the safe word and it all ends there. This is not what the dom wants, so they are careful with their behaviour, knowing very well what their sub´s limits are. The safe word is something that cannot be mistaken for anything else and it´s a word that is completely off topic, e.g. Peach, Cactus, frog etc.
When inflicting pain, you have to know HOW to do it, using the right tools, knowing what the threshold can be. You don´t just start spanking someone as if there´s no tomorrow!

BDSM has rules

SO, as you can see, there is A LOT to BDSM, and the world of BDSM has rules.

As much as many people don´t want to admit it, there are many areas that are desirable to people, whatever the stigma attached to it by society may be. A lot of people enjoy pain, a lot of people enjoy being submissive, a lot of people like being restrained. All these acts can be pleasurable and that is why they happen within a sexual context.

It is all about PLEASURE

If you want to know more about this practice or you need any help related to sex therapy, please don't hesitate to contact me!

Daphne Christofides

Photography: Fer Castro - https://ferfoto68.wixsite.com/fercastro