What is an orgasm? This question came to me many times, not only during my teenage years but when I first started having an active sex life.
I wasn’t always a sexologist, it’s taken me many years of training and personal research and practice to get to know what I do now. However, I still remember those times when I felt insecure about how to experience pleasure and I even felt responsible for having to have an orgasm during every single sexual act in all possible ways; penetration, oral, etc.
This misconception has been created by the porn industry and the lack of correct sex education. Pornography is the film industry. It’s acting, it’s not real.
Since there hasn’t been any education to contradict though, pornography has served as an education channel for most people.
I’m not saying pornography is all bad, it can be enjoyable just like a movie can, but it shouldn’t serve as an example to do at home.
It has created this belief, among many others, that penetrative sex always ends in orgasm for both men and women, that women seem to feel incredible pleasure from just penetration, and it is the objective of having sex: to orgasm.
Therefore, men feel the responsibility to make the woman orgasm, it proves they know what they´re doing and they’re good at it, and women feel pressure to reach orgasm to please the man (speaking of heterosexual cases). What’s worse, is that a lot of women feel there’s something wrong with them when they cannot reach orgasm that way, or any other way to be honest, and feel like they should be having these explosive orgasms and squirting results, like the women in porn do.
Reality is far more wonderful yet complex, than fiction. So, this is the reason why I consider it important to start from the beginning and ask what sounds like a simple question to answer…
What is an orgasm?
The technical explanation to an orgasm is the peak point of pleasure when a human reaches climax, the moment when the body releases tension, and the perineal muscles, anal sphincter, and reproductive organs rhythmically contract, the legs might shake, the heart beats fast, etc. The body releases endorphins (the chemicals of happiness), and the face, neck, or chest may flush.
Gender aside, the “big O” is biologically caused by the same thing for everyone: stimulation. Apparently, it sounds easy to recognise, the muscle contraction and relaxation after sexual arousal, the flush… but the experience is different for everyone.
Female orgasm
People with a penis and a vagina experience pleasure differently. As a therapist, I would say that one important thing to point out is that the climax in women is more complex than that of men. It takes longer, but it can also last longer and be stronger in intensity than the male orgasm.
For people with a vagina, before and during an orgasm, the vagina becomes wet, and it may even ejaculate. Directly after an orgasm, the clitoris may feel more sensitive or uncomfortable to touch.
The length of time it takes to reach orgasm varies and depends on many different factors, including genetics, level of arousal, stress, tiredness, any alcohol or other type of consumption, mental-relationship dynamics, and more.
There are many benefits in having an orgasm and they stretch from releasing stress to boosting the immunity system. Also, some researchers found that women who have sex at least once a week tend to have more regular cycles than women who rarely or never have sex.
If you experience menstrual cramps or regular headaches, an orgasm can be helpful to ease that pain.
How common is it to ejaculate for women?
There are no clear numbers about how many women on average ejaculate during sex, some estimates suggest that this could be anything from 10 to 50 percent, which is not conclusive.
It mostly depends on whether you know how to do it. To know what area to stimulate and how to allow your body to get there. For most, it’s something you have to learn to do rather than it happening naturally.
Another important fact is that some women can also climax prematurely, it's not just a guy thing. It’s very rare but some women do experience this and it’s not usually pleasant.
Are there different types of orgasms?
Despite a lot of controversies resulting from this question, the answer is…There is only ONE orgasm! There is one type of orgasm, with many possible ways to get to it. In women for example, what is stimulated and eventually reaches climax is the clitoris. In every possible way to stimulate, it’s the same organ that is stimulated.
Whether you are stimulating the inner or outer labia, the clitoris on the outside of the vulva, penetration, any type of fingering, or anal sex, it’s all stimulating the same organ.
The different ways to get to it vary in intensity and difficulty, as well as in the area where you may feel the climax, which is what may often confuse people into thinking that they are different orgasms.
So, finally, how to know if I had an orgasm? As mentioned before, the actual orgasmic experience varies. Regularly, the heart beats faster, the breathing quickens, nipples become erect, and your genitals become engorged with blood. However, if you’re not sure about it, you probably didn’t reach it.
An orgasm is a sign of healthy sexuality but it’s not an obligation. Everyone finds their own path to get to it and this is why it is so important to explore your body, know yourself, in order to get to know what gives you pleasure.
Pleasure can be experienced in a vast amount of ways! Orgasm is not equal to pleasure. Pleasure is experienced from a simple touch, from an emotional connection, from dedicating time to yourself or to your relationship, from having fun, from laughing, from feeling pleasure through any type of stimulation, whether orgasm is present or not. Please try to remember that.
In my own experience and through my years of experience in my professional practice, one of my biggest conclusions is that communication is a game-changer when it comes to good sex. Communicate with your partner about what you enjoy, what you don’t, learn together and don’t stop exploring.
Finally, mental arousal is just as important as physical arousal, and many situations take us out of the loop. Try to stay present in the moment, and don’t let pressure or taboos become an obstacle to a good sexual experience.
If you feel like you need some advice or talking about your sexual life in a professional manner, please don’t hesitate to contact me.