The evolution of the perception of sexuality
Over the years, the perception of sexuality has been changing. Its importance, its meaning, the difference between female and male sexuality, its relationship or not to reproduction... The truth is that a long time ago, sexuality was much more sacred, putting more emphasis on women and on female pleasure. This has been lost to the point where women themselves do not know their own capabilities, they are not educated about their own pleasure and human rights in order to be able to claim them. The situation has reached such levels where women are abused… this valuable entity that has so much power that it can even generate life! The concept of creating life inside a body is truly magical if you stop to think about it and give it the importance it deserves.
Due to this evolution, many women grow up knowing nothing about their sexual pleasure, their own anatomy, or how to enjoy their sexuality. I was also one of them, and through my own experience and growth, I have learned a lot and have reached a point where I now want to share this knowledge and help many women have a better experience, to connect with their sexuality, but also to help many men, to educate them on how they can enjoy their sexuality equally with women and how their joint experience will be much more satisfying.
A bit of History...
Let's start with Tantra, born in India, 6000 years ago (although there is evidence that it can date up to 30,000 years back), with symbols on cave walls of powerful vulvas and rituals representing women as magical and sexual entities. In Tantra, sex is used to connect on an energetic level, to achieve concrete things, to enlighten and transcend oneself.
Taoism, born in China in the 6th century BC, believed that sex represented a union of energies that through pleasure could achieve and maintain good health and greater longevity. For them, it was very important not to lose the body's fluids, whether that’s semen or blood (the "Jing"), they were sacred, and therefore women had a privileged position in sex, first for having the power to create life, and because they did not worry about losing their "Jing" during sexual relations but only enjoyed the sexual act.
However, with the evolution of society, we reached a time where female pleasure ceased to matter, thinking it was unnecessary for procreation. Some women were called "hysterical" when in reality the cause of their behavior was sexual dissatisfaction. As men gained more power, both physically and socially, women were considered less and less, to the point of almost nullifying their existence or minimizing it to only being there for the satisfaction and care of men. What a great and sad difference in perception of life. This change not only has pushed aside female pleasure but has also given a very erroneous perception of what sex and mutual pleasure are to everyone, and has put more pressure on men in certain occasions, on how they have to act and perform during sex.
The Lack of Sex Education
Nowadays, sexual education is heading in the right direction, with many professionals sharing what would be a healthy and appropriate sexual education. The progress is slow but steady. That being said, it must be recognized that for several previous generations, and still happening today, the sexual education that young people and adults receive is based on pornography. I don't think watching porn is necessarily bad, it can be a stimulus that can cause a lot of sexual excitement and we may even learn something about what we like or don't like, or get ideas about what we could try in order to discover new sexual experiences. However, the problem lies in the fact that there hasn't been proper sexual education to accompany the existence of porn.
The Education of Pornography
It’s important to educate people on what pornography really is and what sex is like in reality. Pornography is also evolving, and now there are some, albeit few, options for pornography focused on female pleasure. However, "traditional" pornography, so to speak, teaches several very mistaken concepts. It portrays women in a submissive position, as a sexual object, with a huge focus on penetration as the only source of pleasure, and teaching that that is what is enjoyable based on the moans of the actresses, that those are the most attractive bodies, those are the most attractive genitals (both for men and women), those are the sexual positions that must be practiced, the woman's orgasm is rarely shown, the man's face is rarely shown, and many more. This causes erroneous beliefs to develop such as:
-Sex=penetration
-Penetration is the only or best way to reach orgasm
-As a woman, you should be able to reach orgasm through penetration
-Sex should always end in orgasm
-The man's pleasure is more important
-If you give them pleasure, they will like you more
-Making a woman cum, as a man, means you fuck well
-Men always want sex and are always ready for it
-Sex is valid when it looks like in porn
I could go on, but I think we understand each other.
Do you identify with these phrases? All of these beliefs put enormous pressure on everyone! Women have to act in a certain way to feel attractive and to please men, and men have to act in a certain way to appear as good fuckers, always wanting it, etc. What about the concept of intimacy? Connection? Pleasure, even without any commitment but also without expectations?
How do we create change?
First of all, we need to focus on ourselves, educate ourselves properly, explore our bodies, and discover what we like and what we don't like. This can be achieved by seeking help from a professional, reading educational books, attending sexuality workshops, talking more about our experiences, and learning from each other.
In addition, it's important to take time to get to know our bodies, to masturbate consciously, and to explore the sensations that different touches provoke without necessarily aiming for an orgasm. We need to know more about what we like so we can also ask for it from our partners, guide them, and teach them what excites us. If they don't know, they can't give it to us!
I think this is especially important for women for several reasons. Firstly, because for many years, and still today in some people, female masturbation has been perceived as something bad, dirty, disgusting, or even promiscuous. On the other hand, it may seem a bit silly, but people with a penis have their genitals on the outside, so it's easier to explore them, play with them, touch them. People with a vulva don't. So, between the stigma of it being something bad and the fact that they have to put their fingers inside and look with a mirror to explore more, it can be harder to achieve and want to discover better for many people. For these same reasons, I believe it's vital to explore our vulvas inside and out, just like we would explore our ear or our toes! Especially since it's so closely related to pleasure.
Finally, we can also explore with our partners, especially by focusing on communication, consent, and curiosity. Enjoy the experience with the only objective being to have a good time, laugh, explore, and feel pleasure in many different ways (pleasure from laughing, from different types of touch, from stimulating various parts of the body, from intimacy, the time spent in the relationship etc.).
My own experience
Learning more about my sexuality changed my life!
I learned more about my own anatomy.
I understood how the female body works and how there are differences between male and female sexual response cycles.
I discovered that penetration is not the easiest way to reach orgasm for people with a vulva. I realized that orgasm doesn't have to be the main goal in sex. Sex is much more than penetration. I prioritized myself.
I went through a healing process with my body.
I was able to explore, and still do, what I like and don't like.
I experimented. I started making better decisions about the people I chose to experiment with.
I learned to value myself and act accordingly.
I started setting boundaries.
I pursued what I wanted and knew I deserved.
Finally, I started feeling more and more pleasure!
That's why I have created two workshops on Female Sexuality, to offer the education on female pleasure that I never got and promote greater sexual satisfaction! For now, these workshops are focused only on women, for the simple reason that I believe that while male sexuality has been much more accepted and visible, female sexuality has suffered more, it has been more hidden, and I feel that women themselves need to know what they want first, what they need, and what they are capable of achieving, in order to be able to ask for it and guide others to give it to them. Later on, I would like to have workshops with men to help them evolve their sexuality, normalize it, and educate them also on female sexuality.
If you're interested in participating in my workshops, you can find more information here.
Don't hesitate to contact me directly if you have any questions!
Other articles that may interest you: Can pornography be feminist? , How my life changed after i learned more about sexuality, What is an orgasm?